I was really glad to be over with 2013. Obviously both good and bad happened through out the year, but I was done with it by the end. Sadly, despite the year changing always seems to create a mental illusion that I am getting to step through fresh doors into new opportunities, changes, and a clean state, the reality is that today started off exactly where I left it yesterday in 2013.
It is hard for me to find hope anymore.
With every year, I am actually surprised at how much more difficult my circumstance become and in the end I feel ridiculous for allowing myself to be caught off guard. That is the scary thing about hope; when you hope, you allow yourself to be vulnerable to being let down as well.
While I hate to start off 2014 as a Debbie Downer, the reality is I am more isolated, alone, and lonely than I have ever been in my life. I feel helpless to my situation. My efforts to find friendship and community has left me hanging dry, bitter towards the church, and somewhat depressed. The desire to give up on the celibate Christian life is stronger than ever. While I have not gone there in action, I know my mind has been dwelling there for quite some time now.
God I need you now, more than ever.