Back To Work

It has been good to get back to work again.  I never would have imagined not liking vacation or my time off… but it really wasn’t healthy to have so much time alone.  Thankfully I had a pretty good week… or maybe it was more that I didn’t have a bad week for once.

I am in such a weird place right now.  With everything in my life up in the air, I really don’t have much to hold onto.  It is strange, but I am not feeling overwhelmed by my situation.  At least in this moment right now.  I feel as though I am learning to lower my expectation in life, towards people, and even for myself. I am far less likely to be hurt, disappointed, or frustrated if I can learn to curb my expectations.  It is hard though… I want to expect more in life.

It seems to be a fine line between lowering my expectations and letting go of what little hope I have for the future.

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I’ve been gone too long.

Being back in the U.S. has been difficult.  I completely expected this time to be hard and challenging, however I thought I would have a bit more self control and things would fall into place a bit easier.  What I have quickly realized is that by being gone for a year and a half, my place in people’s life is no longer there.  Their daily lives have developed and have gone on without me for so long that for me to be back is awkward.  Clearly it is going to take some time for me to feel comfortable around everyone and for them to find a place in their life for me as well. I know that my feelings are not at all a representation of where our friendships are at, however I think I may have had too high of expectations of how things would look when I would get back.

I love the party scene in 500 Days of Summer where it compares the difference between expectations and reality.  I feel as though I am always experiencing a similar parallel  in my life.  As much as I pride myself on being a realistic person, I still naively fall into hoping for things to turn out better with my friends.  I struggled with being isolated and alone while I was overseas and I couldn’t help but long to get back to the states where I felt I had a decent community.  However, whenever I am here I never really feel that I truly belong.  My personal insecurities make me feel as though I am inconveniencing others when I try to set up time to hang out together.  I also feel as though everyone else is perfectly satisfied with the level of where our friendship is at while I desire more intimacy and depth.  Why do I feel as though I am the only one who desires more in a friendship?