Dare to Hope

I was chatting with a friend recently and she asked what my ideal 2014 would be.  I listed off my usual desires regarding community, friendship, a place to live and ultimately that I would be able to continue to trust God regardless of my circumstances.  As I was contemplating my life this coming year, I really don’t have a whole lot of reason to be hopeful for good to happen to me.  I already know some of the difficult moments I am going to have to face, such as finding a roommate and moving, my best friends leaving the state and the other getting married.  I don’t look forward to 2014.  As I was speaking to my friend, I couldn’t help but feel as though this year I am going to have to dare to hope.  I still believe in God.  Though I am wrestling a lot with my view of God as my Father, I know that He does care for me.  Regardless of what I am going through, if I were to hold onto the truths I know from scripture, God has a plan for me, He cares for me deeply and all that I am going through cannot be for nothing. 

So I must dare to hope.  For me to hope for good in 2014 is truly believing something better will happen beyond my personal circumstances.  I cannot see such good in my near future at all at this point.  Despite everything, God will still allow me to see Him in the midst of everything and I will know that He is still good.  

I have this image of me underwater, struggling for air.  While it may be excruciating, I know eventually my head will rise above the surface and I will be able to take the necessary gasp.  I hope that I reach the surface soon…



A New Year, Unfortunately Not A New Beginning

I was really glad to be over with 2013.  Obviously both good and bad happened through out the year, but I was done with it by the end.  Sadly, despite the year changing always seems to create a mental illusion that I am getting to step through fresh doors into new opportunities, changes, and a clean state, the reality is that today started off exactly where I left it yesterday in 2013.

It is  hard for me to find hope anymore.

With every year, I am actually surprised at how much more difficult my circumstance become and in the end I feel ridiculous for allowing myself to be caught off guard.  That is the scary thing about hope; when you hope, you allow yourself to be vulnerable to being let down as well.

While I hate to start off 2014 as a Debbie Downer, the reality is  I am more isolated, alone, and lonely than I have ever been in my life.  I feel helpless to my situation.  My efforts to find friendship and community has left me hanging dry, bitter towards the church, and somewhat depressed.  The desire to give up on the celibate Christian life is stronger than ever.  While I have not gone there in action, I know my mind has been dwelling there for quite some time now.

God I need you now, more than ever.