I woke up this morning and after a string of days of falling to temptations, I simply wanted to be done. I don’t mean this in a suicidal sort of way, but more in the way of I am over this life. I am tired, so tired. I don’t feel as though I have been refreshed in a long time. I try to grab hold of any little bit of hope and joy I encounter, but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I just wouldn’t mind being done with life… God can’t you show me mercy and take me now?
I laugh at myself knowing how pathetic I sound. In my low moments, it allows me realign my thoughts and be thankful that God is still using me to impact others. The fact that I can have any positive impact at all really only is because of God. I know myself. I don’t like myself and the things I do.
This morning I decided to spend an extended amount of time in the Word. I know that being still and quiet is important for me. Thankfully it was a really good time with God. Most of the time was spent meditating on Psalms 107. The line that stuck with me the most was “He satisfies the longing soul”. I think the one thing any of us who struggle with SSA could agree with is that there seems to be a perpetual longing of the soul. On a good day, that longing is directed towards God, while on my not-so-good days that longing leads me to try to find fulfillment in relationship. I am a needy person and that can be a curse and a blessing. I am fulling away of the void in my life. I can’t remain still and not try to fulfill it. It is so difficult though to stay on track and look to God day in and day out. He is suppose to satisfy my longing soul and somehow I don’t feel satisfied. What am I missing? I know God is providing and yet I am off track unable to experience His provision fully.