If they only knew…

Today, I am wrapping up a pretty significant role I have played in our church for the last year. In so many ways, I am extremely glad that it is finally over. I never knew how even more isolating it can be a public leadership figure in the church. Every time I was in the church, people would approach me and act as though they knew me simply because they saw me on stage or in the video announcements. Being in a position where everyone knows your name but truly does not know a thing about you, put me in a new state of loneliness. It is almost better to be able to walk in and out of church without anyone noticing you. Instead, I had to maintain a persona, engage in the small talk, extend myself to the brink of exhaustion, only to go home to the demons that awaited me.

I wonder what everyone would have thought if they knew who I truly was and what I struggled with? If they knew about my regular failures and sins. The last few months have shown me a side of the church that was new to me, and I didn’t like it. It revealed an unfortunate reality that even for those who are connected, rarely is anyone honest or genuine. I seldom experienced vulnerability or honesty. The church had to be a business in so many ways that those in leadership or on staff really had no one ensuring that their Christian walk was healthy. Even more so, in order instill trust with the congregation, everything had to be planned and thought through. There was so much strategy involved in communication that by the end, it seemed more like propaganda than meaningful updates.

I recognize that all of this is a necessary component to keeping a larger church going. Not everyone needs to know everything and in addition, there is far too little grace shown from the congregation to the church staff. Still, it made me hurt inside to see yet another environment that I could not step into if I revealed my true self. I just don’t understand if there ever will be a time and place where I can belong to the body of Christ, without the layers I hide behind.


2 thoughts on “If they only knew…

  1. Dear “Staystrongsojourner”
    Sometimes it’s good to separate oneself from the “crowds” because sometimes we minister where we were NOT meant to minister, but the Lord has a way of causing us to leave it.
    I know I’ve been there on a number of occasions.
    On my blog I have taken a “hiatus” from posting for the last couple of years. Life happens, and we can run dry, and know I’m beginning to have the desire to write concerning the present upheavals we are seeing in the so-called “church” life and society in general.

    I also came out of the same lifestyle many decades ago, so I can relate to your present “loneliness”, it will happen off and on within your Christian walk. That loneliness causes us to dray closer to our dear Lord Jesus Christ. Especially for us He truly becomes our everything, something we looked for our whole lives through other men. But He desired us to have a PURE and HOLY relationship with a proper man, a loving man without any hidden motives or set agenda. I don’t know about your history, but my parents both failed me in loving me for me, and yes I suffered sexual misconduct from own mother, along with other abuses.
    He is OUR ALL, and at many times my walk with Him has been mentally and emotionally challenging, sometimes seemed downright terrifying in my experience. But through it all, HE wanted ME to TRUST HIM and HIS promises to ME, and US, that also includes you.
    For me I had to learn to trust HIM no matter what my emotional state was telling me.

    Our feelings can deceive us, and that is why HE must cause us to live by FAITH, and NOT by our feelings.

    HE LOVES US very MUCH more than ANY other human being.
    Remember these words from a hymn; “Though NONE go with me, still I will FOLLOW, no turning back, no turning back”.
    Jesus does the KEEPING, though we stumble and fall, and sin comes in as a tidal wave, HE is our RIGHTEOUSNESS, HE will fulfill HIS promises towards us, it is ALL about HIM, and HIS POWER that saves and delivers, it has NOTHING to do with us! OUR FAITH comes from HIM, and though our hearts condemn us, GOD is greater than our fleshly, doubting hearts!

    Please feel free to contact me through my blog.
    A brother in Christ Jesus,

  2. I hope things are better with you.
    I just want to state after re-reading this posting, that “if” you don’t feel secure in sharing in this church, then do not.
    Most churches, especially large churches are exactly that a “business”, that is not how the true “body of Christ” is too function. You can feel very isolated within a large church, if you don’t sense a trust can be developed. I know I’ve walked it…….
    I so desire that it would change, that the real “fellowship” the Lord talks about is greatly wanting, and we His followers will suffer due to that failing.
    I now am feeling the affects of this, but I know the Lord is with me. I go through depressions every now and again, and when I do I sense this lack more than usual……..and cry for the need of a real fellowship.
    I have issues, but have no mature Christian male to discuss them with and pray over, and I surely will not discuss them with a woman. A man needs to discuss his struggles with other men, and women with women. This is the proper Biblical way to minister to one another.
    I see you have not written in a while, just remember no matter how far we fall, the Lord is always there, and He promises He is married to the backslider, “if” that is the case.
    I know He has done so with me on several occasions.

    Lord bless you and keep you, and bring you back to writing!

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