I Just Need To Write

I don’t know what I am going to write about or why. I simply need to get something out of me, because I have been stuck today. I woke up around 8:30am this morning and I knew certain tasks that needed to get done. I simply could not get myself to do them. I have laid around, on and off social media, to the fridge, back to bed for almost 6 hours now. I have though about reaching out to others, but I am stuck. I don’t really have anyone I can call.

I just read Taylor Zimmerman’s post¬†on forms of attachment for gay men. It was good to actually see someone explain why I am the way that I am. I feel as though I could be several of the forms (as he states, it is a spectrum), but primarily the preoccupied/ambivalent style definitely is me.¬†Zimmerman writes “One of the deepest insecurities for these adults is being seen as pathetically unlovable and one of the deepest dreads is being abandoned.” Man, that is spot on.

As I sit here on a Saturday, without really anyone to call or hangout with, the feeling of abandonment sets in. I have plenty of people I know love and care about me, but they simply cannot manage to incorporate me into their lives at a relational level that allows me to feel secure. More and more, I sense the burden that I place on people…