It has been so long since I have posted a blog. This blog hasn’t been the only thing I feel has been neglected; I haven’t really journaled, I haven’t sat still, and I really haven’t dealt with much of myself in a long time. Out of the fear of being alone and facing my temptations, I have crammed my life full of work, church and activities. While in some ways I keep myself out of trouble, in other ways I am not in a healthy place at all.
This past week I was suppose to take a trip to the Midwest for a wedding. Due to several circumstances, the trip was canceled and I didn’t end up going. However, before canceling the trip, I had reached out to an old high school friend, since he lived in the same state, to see if I might be able to crash at his place. I haven’t seen or spoken to him in close to a decade but he was more than willing to let me stay a night.
The thing about this guy is that in high school we fooled around a bit. It wasn’t as though we did anything that crazy and I don’t even think he is gay. Still, the thought of seeing him again and the remotest possibility that perhaps things could turn physical clouded my mind for days. Realistically, nothing probably would have happened.
Deep down however, I really wanted something to happen. While I feel as though I try hard to deny myself and to pursue God, if a moment where I could engage in a physical relationship occurred, I honestly do not believe I would extract myself and say no. I don’t know what to do with these feelings.
I am sure most people would simply tell me that it is an easy solution, that I need to get my life together and have more self-control. I am not trying to deny the fact that I will always have a choice. I just don’t think that most people recognize how difficult it is to make the right choice when I have gone years with practically no physical interaction, affirmation or affection. I am really not even referring to anything sexual, simply that there is zero physical touch that occurs.
Having my trip get screwed up maybe was the best circumstance for me. I didn’t have to go through that trial and see how I would have done. Deep down though, I know that my person and character has not been proven to be honorable to God. It is as if there is a separate part of me that remains dormant. I seek and pursue God daily. I do what I can to live a life holy and pleasing to him. It is extremely frightening to know there is another side of me that can rear up at any moment if the opportunity arose. Am I simply trying to keep the sinful beast chained up and quiet inside of me or am I actively facing my demon and regardless of how painful it may be, working to overcome a side of me that more often than not, seems to be my natural self?