When We Notice the Dirt

“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.” -C.S. Lewis

Our pastor used this quote at church this morning and coming from experiences I had the previous night, I felt as though I was covered from head to toe in shit. I feel as though I have never had an issue of seeing the sin in my life. It has always been there. If the pursuit of my same sex desires is sin, then on a daily basis I fall. Maybe God is present more than I realize, but lately I just feel dirty.

I was up till 2 in the morning trying to fill the void in my life through video chatting with other guys. It is disgusting how low I stoop and the psychology behind how all the men interact is deplorable. Yet, time after time I come back because it is the only interaction I have where I am desired by someone. I go from one guy to the next, both parties hoping to score someone who is out of our league and stooping to whatever pathetic behavior is required to keep them on before they ditch me in their search for their ideal person. Occasionally I get a guy who I am not that attracted to but he knows I’m better looking so her tries really hard and will do whatever I tell him. The person I become at that point is so far from who I really am…

The isolation has reached the point where I hit a weekend and I honestly have no one to call or hang out with… week after week go by where I am living my own life and no one is there checking to see how I am or to share my life in some form or another. I am still serving at my church but the power of the gospel is so far from reality in my life that I feel like a hypocrite trying to share about Christ when the power of the Holy Spirit, the community of the church body and the redemption from sin seem non-existent for me. There is no way in hell I would want to invite anyone to church because I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to deal with the miserable experiences I have had trying to get connected. Unless they were a married couple… then come to church, you will fit in great and I am sure you will be invited over to dinner immediately.

Our pastor spoke this morning on how we need to engage the gospel not by focusing always on what we need to do but continually focus on what Christ as done. I’m not throwing in the towel yet. While I have pretty much given up on the church body, I am still praying that Christ my Savior will be enough for me right now. My eyes continue to turn to the shit that is all over my body and trying to figure out how to clean my self up. I’m going to have to come before Christ and pray that he can still embrace me, as filthy and disgusting as I am.


5 thoughts on “When We Notice the Dirt

  1. Sorry that you are going thru so much. My philosophy is that as long as you are continuing to move forward with God, all is Good. He can handle all the crap that we give to him. I know it’s hard to move forward when the body of Christ is filled with a bunch of people who act like they care, but don’t truly show it. It’s when you leave him and decide not to follow him where shit hits the fan. It is hard to cut ties with what you know, but if your not being fed by those in your church and the relationships sound like they suck, it may be time to cut that vine and find one that produces more fruit. I searched for churches for about a year, and found myself in a church that is quite the opposite experience. I will keep you in my prayers that God will provide you with and lead you into a more fulfilling journey and path. Keep keeping on man.. don’t give up the good fight. Don’t know ya, but love ya.

  2. Jo.. I wrote you an email and you did not reply. I am a mature Christian woman, with family that are homosexual.

    I want to rebuke you lovingly for using those ‘choice’ words. We need to guard our tongues. I also want to say that even though I might not have your problem, I have had other issues in my life, and I have also been mistreated and found it difficult to connect to people. I am now separated from my second husband, and I will forever (until Jesus returns), be on my own, because I have to be obedient. It is hard, I get lonely and I have no friends near me. I have no church because of the apostasy and ecumenism of the day.. and because of my medical condition too.

    I miss companionship and someone to lean on. I miss the touch of a man. But these past years have been the ones where God was able to get me to take my eyes off what other people do and off my own sinful desires.. and onto my relationship with Jesus. Every day I have to face the realities of my past sins, the guilt and the regret is always with me. There have been times when I have been drawn into feeling lust, although I have not acted upon it. And there was one time I did. I felt dirty and ashamed, but I knew that all I could do was to repent and move forward. Most importantly, I had to STOP putting myself in situations where I could be tempted.

    There comes a time when we have to draw a line. God is our Heavenly Father, and He loves us and He is patient with us.. but like a father, He grows tired of our complaining and our disobedience, and He will discipline us. I know how much that discipline can hurt, and I want to avoid it. I have spent so much of my life suffering from others sin, but mostly my own. One thing I have learned is to be grateful for everything that the Lord has done, and does do for me every day. It IS hard, when you wake up feeling depressed, lonely and unloved. But we ALL have made our choices in life, and we all have to live with the consequences of those choices. Many of my friends have been happily married for many years..whilst I have two failed marriages behind me. Of course it hurts.

    Our feelings are a choice, whatever those feelings involve. Sin is sin, you are not more of a sinner than anyone else because you are SSA. But you DO have a choice as to HOW you deal with those feelings, and how you protect your eyes, mind and heart.. we all do. By immersing ourselves in Jesus and His word, we can shut out the darkness of our sinful thoughts and desires.

    My friend, you can find renewed hope and joy. I am reaching out to you again because I feel your pain. I love those in my family that are SSA and unsaved. I pray for them and I weep for them, I cannot bear the thought of them going to an eternal damnation. Each of us have burdens in this life that we struggle with..but God will never let you fall, even if you falter..if you just throw yourself at His feet, and trust Him. Be thankful that you HAVE been saved.

    One last thing, CS Lewis was not a true man of God and I would not heed the words of ANY man, over the words of Jesus Christ.

  3. Dear Sojourner, I have only read some of your posts…honesty is a wonderful thing…thank you. I hear you–your story and hear my own words in my story and they ring very much the same tone. God is good even when I don’t want to…or can’t seam to believe it at all. I ask that God will provide for you the kind of support/friendships that you need, in the way that you need them, to move forward on the journey through life with Him.

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