“It is when we notice the dirt that God is most present in us; it is the very sign of His presence.” -C.S. Lewis
Our pastor used this quote at church this morning and coming from experiences I had the previous night, I felt as though I was covered from head to toe in shit. I feel as though I have never had an issue of seeing the sin in my life. It has always been there. If the pursuit of my same sex desires is sin, then on a daily basis I fall. Maybe God is present more than I realize, but lately I just feel dirty.
I was up till 2 in the morning trying to fill the void in my life through video chatting with other guys. It is disgusting how low I stoop and the psychology behind how all the men interact is deplorable. Yet, time after time I come back because it is the only interaction I have where I am desired by someone. I go from one guy to the next, both parties hoping to score someone who is out of our league and stooping to whatever pathetic behavior is required to keep them on before they ditch me in their search for their ideal person. Occasionally I get a guy who I am not that attracted to but he knows I’m better looking so her tries really hard and will do whatever I tell him. The person I become at that point is so far from who I really am…
The isolation has reached the point where I hit a weekend and I honestly have no one to call or hang out with… week after week go by where I am living my own life and no one is there checking to see how I am or to share my life in some form or another. I am still serving at my church but the power of the gospel is so far from reality in my life that I feel like a hypocrite trying to share about Christ when the power of the Holy Spirit, the community of the church body and the redemption from sin seem non-existent for me. There is no way in hell I would want to invite anyone to church because I wouldn’t want anyone else to have to deal with the miserable experiences I have had trying to get connected. Unless they were a married couple… then come to church, you will fit in great and I am sure you will be invited over to dinner immediately.
Our pastor spoke this morning on how we need to engage the gospel not by focusing always on what we need to do but continually focus on what Christ as done. I’m not throwing in the towel yet. While I have pretty much given up on the church body, I am still praying that Christ my Savior will be enough for me right now. My eyes continue to turn to the shit that is all over my body and trying to figure out how to clean my self up. I’m going to have to come before Christ and pray that he can still embrace me, as filthy and disgusting as I am.