Confessions

I just came back to this blog and saw the last time I posted.  A lot has gone on since then.  A lot that I am ashamed of…

I am not well these days.  I am not handling life in a way that I am proud of and at the core of it all, I don’t see the hope that I need to have in order to continue to push for the changes that need to be made.  With every year, I am shocked at how intense my situation becomes and never in my wildest dreams did I expect to be dealing with the situation I am in at the age of 29.  I never thought I would be completely alone.  I never thought that it would be nearly impossible to find a roommate.  I never thought that church would seem so isolating.  I never thought I would sit on a Friday night with no one nearby to call to hang out… or to have to face Saturday with nothing on my schedule.

The weekends are seriously the worst for me.  If I am lucky, I get through Friday night without doing anything stupid.  At best, I binge watch several hours of Netflix and somehow stay away from drinking at all.  However, by the time I face Saturday and I pretty much have exhausted my self-control, usually with a couple beers in, my walls fall and I am completely vulnerable.  More often then not, I make stupid choices online or even just letting my mind wander back to a previous relationship that I want to be involved in so desperately.  I simply don’t want to be alone.

What sucks is that after every Saturday comes Sunday.  I still go to church.  I feel dirty and ashamed because I failed yet again.  I hate the fact that I face the weekend alone and somehow God doesn’t seem to be enough.  The way the church, books, and people seem to put it is that I should be able to sit alone at my apartment and be completely fulfilled in who Christ is and not fall apart.  I wish that were true…

My work seems to be my only savior.  It keeps me from having to face the reality of my situation.  Yet, somehow God has forced me to step back from my work and it is killing me.  Back in August, due to my injury, I was forced to sit out for several weeks.  Now, it seems as though I am going to be dealing with jury duty for the next 3 weeks unless by some miracle I get released from the case on Monday.

So yeah, I’m hurting.  It’s Friday night and thankfully I haven’t messed up yet.  I pray tomorrow I experience God’s mercy in a huge and overwhelming way.  I need it, I can’t do this alone. I can’t fix this. I can’t fix me.

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7 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. I’m so sorry for your isolation. I wish I had a bible verse to give you that makes me feel better…but I don’t. We need people…that much is clear…so you’re right: it’s unreasonable to expect that you would be happy sitting in your apartment by yourself. Is it an either/or?: either it’s loneliness or a romantic relationship. Could you have some people over for a game night or to make tea for 3 or 4 folks and have them over to sit and watch a Netflix show with you? I know it’s hard when the people around you are married Christian folks…man, is it ever hard to have relationship with them sometimes.

    Man, this isn’t easy. I’ve struggled with just the feelings you’re talking about. I still do. I know it hurts. I’m sorry you’re hurting.

  2. Oh man! I’m sorry to read this. I’m sorry for the situation you are currently in. I wish things were different for you; for me.

    This life, hey? I know this sounds corny and I know it’s unhelpful in a sense as it’s not practical and tangible, but I hope that you can keep holding onto God. To His truths and that something will break soon and your trust will not have been in vain.

  3. I am so sorry that you are going thru this. As I work from home, I am alone from morning until well after dinner, and I also struggle with thoughts of lusting and wanting to give into more then just porn once a week. Wish I was closer man. Sounds like we both could use an accountability partner. As long as we never turn away from Christ, we can keep trying to fight. I praise God that he still keeps forgiving us over and over and over again. I pray that you find a roommate. A fellow brother who can help you and someone you enjoy spending time with. Maybe find or start a bible study on the weekends? Your in my thoughts and prayers. Much love. Jef

  4. I wish more people were this honest. I’m praying for you staystrongjourner. Biblical community is something that many churches fail to fully understand.

    Do some people at church know what’s going on?

    • I have made some attempt to share with people at church, but most individuals aren’t capable of grasping how difficult or isolating it can be. Or the even more common experience is to share where I am at and what I go through, and then for them to never speak of it ever again.

      I’m working on it though… hopefully can get into a small group this week. I don’t really have any other choice at this point. Thanks for the comment.

  5. Your words could have come straight from a journal I would have written when I was 20:

    > “So yeah, I’m hurting. It’s Friday night and thankfully I haven’t messed up yet. I pray tomorrow I experience God’s mercy in a huge and overwhelming way. I need it, I can’t do this alone. I can’t fix this. I can’t fix me.”

    If the me of today could go back in time and speak to the me of yesterday… well, the me of yesterday would never have listened, because he would have thought the me of today was a heretic. But the truth is that I had bought into a teaching about god that was unfounded. It matched my internalized self-loathing, and it was wrong. I was very sincere, very earnest at that time, and I was convinced that I would do ANYTHING that God asked of me. ANYTHING! Then one day a random thought came into my head… what if God wanted me to be gay? ANATHEMA! HERESY! GET THEE BEHIND ME SATAN! How strange. I could have at least entertained all kinds of hypotheticals. If God wanted me to drive off a cliff, I would do it! If God wanted me to give up my home and family and live in the jungles of a Pacific island, I would do it! But to accept the feelings I had toward other guys… to love another guy and allow myself to be loved… Somehow that would be “the worst thing I could do.”

    I hope you can find your way past this pain you are experiencing. God is big. He can handle doubts; he can handle questioning. So please question what you’ve been taught about yourself. Question what you may have heard about God and gay people. Read things like http://ecinc.org/clobber-passages/ or look for Matthew Vines book http://www.matthewvines.com/

    There can be hope. There should be hope. Please don’t punish yourself.

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