Getting Desperate

I have survived a week and it hasn’t been easy.  As I mentioned previously, getting slapped in the face with the reality of how isolated I am has been painful and eye-opening.  With almost no presence of friends or community showing up during this time, I realize that I cannot remain in my current state.  Furthermore, sitting alone on the couch for a week straight doing nothing has led to all of the temptations in my life to roar up.  Ultimately, I have failed in that area as well.  It isn’t like I haven’t spent time in the word or prayer either… I have tried to spend a significant amount of time every morning with God.  However, usually by the afternoon or evening, I am so desperate for some sort of connection that I inevitably give in.  

Clearly, I am unable to withstand sin on my own.  I have a lot of years left in me and the temptations and desire for connection with others is only going to get stronger.  Who knows how long I can last doing this whole celibate, gay Christian thing.  

Attempts to speak to my pastors at church have all failed in the past, but I am thinking I am going to have to have another go at it with them.  Somehow if I do not change my circumstances, I am will not going to see any progress in my life, development of community, and overcoming sin.  The last time I spoke with the elders, I made an attempt to get them to understand my situation, to grasp what it was like as a celibate, gay Christian, and to hopefully get them to walk alongside me in this journey.  I failed completely on all three points.  This time I feel like I am needing to go in simply asking for help.  They probably will never grasp where I am at, but hopefully they can help me find a new living situation and somehow connect me to more people.  

I need to learn to develop community even with people who are completely incapable of grasping my situation.  Up till now, even in friendships, if someone wasn’t able to reach some form of empathy and understanding, it was basically impossible to share where I am at in life.  Those friendships for the most part haven’t lasted.  I don’t know how to share my life with others who have no ability to take in what I say and be able to comprehend, discern and speak into my life in a useful manner.  After this experience, I am going to need to learn how to… even if it isn’t a deep form of community, or I don’t even share my true story, I have to start establishing more relationships with those around me.  


2 thoughts on “Getting Desperate

  1. I am so with you. I have so much time on my hands alone every day, and like you.. I can read the bible and get in the word, but as the day goes by, I have a hard time with this whole celibate thing as well and give in. I have the hardest time even making it thru one week without giving in to my desires. God knows what we are going thru, but I believe as long as our heart truly wants and try’s to do what God wants and that as long as we are moving towards God and not away from him, that his huge grace, mercy and forgiveness will eventually prevail. I most certainly would like to be over this now, while I am on this earth, so that I can enjoy true freedom from it all. But if I have to die not being able to get over this, I pray that the cross covers me and Jesus forgive me/us. I know you don’t know me personally, but I have been thinking about you since your last post. I am sorry that you haven’t had church members or friends come by.. Peace and love.

  2. That’s a shame mate! I think if I was in your situation I would have the same results of lack of community although my parents do live close by still. I’m not sure I would be as positive as you in terms of working out how to improve it when you are well again. I’m encouraged that you are choosing to focus on how it could be better.

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