A New Year, Unfortunately Not A New Beginning

I was really glad to be over with 2013.  Obviously both good and bad happened through out the year, but I was done with it by the end.  Sadly, despite the year changing always seems to create a mental illusion that I am getting to step through fresh doors into new opportunities, changes, and a clean state, the reality is that today started off exactly where I left it yesterday in 2013.

It is  hard for me to find hope anymore.

With every year, I am actually surprised at how much more difficult my circumstance become and in the end I feel ridiculous for allowing myself to be caught off guard.  That is the scary thing about hope; when you hope, you allow yourself to be vulnerable to being let down as well.

While I hate to start off 2014 as a Debbie Downer, the reality is  I am more isolated, alone, and lonely than I have ever been in my life.  I feel helpless to my situation.  My efforts to find friendship and community has left me hanging dry, bitter towards the church, and somewhat depressed.  The desire to give up on the celibate Christian life is stronger than ever.  While I have not gone there in action, I know my mind has been dwelling there for quite some time now.

God I need you now, more than ever.

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3 thoughts on “A New Year, Unfortunately Not A New Beginning

  1. Sojourner,

    I’ve been following your blog for some time now but I haven’t commented yet because unfortunately I don’t know of any way in which I can help you. All I can say is that I’m sorry you feel so isolated and I hope you will find the friendship and community you seek in the church. I will keep you in my prayers. Stay strong.

    — Null

  2. Stay strong, brother. I’ve gone through many seasons of longing and loneliness myself. Don’t give up your hope in the Lord. He can bring people into our lives at any moment. People who can comfort and understand us and help us stay focused on Him. I pray that you are able to find the companionship, friendship, and sense of community from your church that you are seeking.

    The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
    He does not faint or grow weary;
    his understanding is unsearchable.
    He gives power to the faint,
    and to him who has no might he increases strength.
    Even youths shall faint and be weary,
    and young men shall fall exhausted;
    but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;
    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
    they shall run and not be weary;
    they shall walk and not faint.
    (Isaiah 40:28-31)

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