Several weeks back during my small group with the guys, one of them stated that they felt I was living a duplicitous life by not being open about my struggle with homosexuality. He said in many ways when I finally opened up to him, he felt as though he had been lied to this entire time. He asked me why I didn’t live my life open about my struggle, especially since it would benefit a lot of people.
I didn’t and still don’t have a complete answer. Perhaps it is fear. Maybe pride. I think that my desire to have control over my life is also a huge element. The second that I come out of the closet to everyone, I no longer allow people to see me the way I desire them to see me. I will always be viewed through the “gay” filter. With that comes a bundle of misconceptions, lies, and ignorance. I simply don’t know if I am ready for that at this point in my life. I don’t want to be identified by being gay. There is so much more to me…
At the same time, I want my life to be used by God and I continue to come into situations where opening up about my struggle would probably be helpful. I had dinner Friday night with two friends from back in college and somehow one of them mentioned how different people from our school had come out of the closet. As always, I played the devil’s advocate (or hopefully the stance that Jesus would ACTUALLY take). Despite my attempts to shake their paradigm a bit, it was impossible for them to see outside of the typical church response. To them it was simple… living a gay lifestyle is living in sin and so the church’s responsibility is to confront the sin. As they made judgements about gays, I wanted to open up and let them know that the very person sitting in front of them was gay. For some reason, I kept my story to my self… yet again.
I have had many similar conversations with many good Christian individuals. I actually agree with almost everything they say about sin and the church’s response. I do believe that living out a gay lifestyle is sin and that is why I choose to remain celibate. However, the church gives no alternative or hope to those they confront and judge. I am struggling to figure out how to further the conversation. I have to believe that the church can shift their message to the gay community without straying from the truths of scripture.