I have had the last two weeks off from work. While it was nice to have a vacation, I quickly realized two things: 1. Not being paid for two weeks sucks. 2. Having two weeks off as a single guy sucks as well.
Thankfully I had a good time the first week going on a road trip with my sister up north, however this past week being alone with no one around has been really rough. All of my friends happened to be gone and so I literally spent most of the time alone. I hate the fact that at my age, I am already looking ahead to years of vacations spent either alone or scrambling to find anyone else at all who is able to get away from their significant other.
I know I should be thankful for the time I have right now, where I can go anywhere and do anything that I want, without too many strings tying me down. Of course, all of my married friends keep telling me this. However, I don’t think anyone recognizes how lonely it can be.
Upon returning from his vacation, one of my good friends told me about a conversation he had with his wife about the future plans. He told me about how they dreamed about what they wanted to do in the future and where they might move to… It became abundantly clear that no matter how good of friends I may be with my guy friends, when it comes to their future plans, I don’t factor in at all.
I have been struggling with this thought over the last couple of days. I know that my need for community has been a major factor for me returning to Southern California. I don’t think I would be where I am at now, had it not been for the people that I knew I would be seeing on a regular basis. However, to know that in a couple of years, all of those friends will be moving on to fulfill whatever dream they have with their spouse, really is difficult to deal with. Simultaneously, it makes me wonder if I should release myself from my attachment to these friendships. I clearly value the connection I have with them far more than they ever will and as a result, my life is being directed by such relationships far more than it should be.
My desire to leave has begun to kick in again. Knowing that my friends would never stick around because of me makes me want to move on. I feel caught because am aware of my need for community but at the same time I feel as though I am only setting myself up for a lot hurt down the road.