Back To Work

It has been good to get back to work again.  I never would have imagined not liking vacation or my time off… but it really wasn’t healthy to have so much time alone.  Thankfully I had a pretty good week… or maybe it was more that I didn’t have a bad week for once.

I am in such a weird place right now.  With everything in my life up in the air, I really don’t have much to hold onto.  It is strange, but I am not feeling overwhelmed by my situation.  At least in this moment right now.  I feel as though I am learning to lower my expectation in life, towards people, and even for myself. I am far less likely to be hurt, disappointed, or frustrated if I can learn to curb my expectations.  It is hard though… I want to expect more in life.

It seems to be a fine line between lowering my expectations and letting go of what little hope I have for the future.


Of Course I Can Ruin Vacation

I have had the last two weeks off from work.  While it was nice to have a vacation, I quickly realized two things: 1. Not being paid for two weeks sucks. 2. Having two weeks off as a single guy sucks as well.

Thankfully I had a good time the first week going on a road trip with my sister up north, however this past week being alone with no one around has been really rough.  All of my friends happened to be gone and so I literally spent most of the time alone.  I hate the fact that at my age, I am already looking ahead to years of vacations spent either alone or scrambling to find anyone else at all who is able to get away from their significant other.

I know I should be thankful for the time I have right now, where I can go anywhere and do anything that I want, without too many strings tying me down.  Of course, all of my married friends keep telling me this.  However, I don’t think anyone recognizes how lonely it can be.

Upon returning from his vacation, one of my good friends told me about a conversation he had with his wife about the future plans.  He told me about how they dreamed about what they wanted to do in the future and where they might move to…  It became abundantly clear that no matter how good of friends I may be with my guy friends, when it comes to their future plans, I don’t factor in at all.

I have been struggling with this thought over the last couple of days.  I know that my need for community has been a major factor for me returning to Southern California.  I don’t think I would be where I am at now, had it not been for the people that I knew I would be seeing on a regular basis.  However, to know that in a couple of years, all of those friends will be moving on to fulfill whatever dream they have with their spouse, really is difficult to deal with.  Simultaneously, it makes me wonder if I should release myself from my attachment to these friendships.  I clearly value the connection I have with them far more than they ever will and as a result, my life is being directed by such relationships far more than it should be.

My desire to leave has begun to kick in again.  Knowing that my friends would never stick around because of me makes me want to move on.  I feel caught because am aware of my need for community but at the same time I feel as though I am only setting myself up for a lot hurt down the road.

Something has got to give

Several weeks back during my small group with the guys, one of them stated that they felt I was living a duplicitous life by not being open about my struggle with homosexuality.  He said in many ways when I finally opened up to him, he felt as though he had been lied to this entire time.  He asked me why I didn’t live my life open about my struggle, especially since it would benefit a lot of people.

I didn’t and still don’t have a complete answer.  Perhaps it is fear.  Maybe pride.  I think that my desire to have control over my life is also a huge element.  The second that I come out of the closet to everyone, I no longer allow people to see me the way I desire them to see me.  I will always be viewed through the “gay” filter.  With that comes a bundle of misconceptions, lies, and ignorance.  I simply don’t know if I am ready for that at this point in my life.  I don’t want to be identified by being gay.  There is so much more to me…

At the same time, I want my life to be used by God and I continue to come into situations where opening up about my struggle would probably be helpful.  I had dinner Friday night with two friends from back in college and somehow one of them mentioned how different people from our school had come out of the closet.  As always, I played the devil’s advocate (or hopefully the stance that Jesus would ACTUALLY take).  Despite my attempts to shake their paradigm a bit, it was impossible for them to see outside of the typical church response.  To them it was simple… living a gay lifestyle is living in sin and so the church’s responsibility is to confront the sin.  As they made judgements about gays, I wanted to open up and let them know that the very person sitting in front of them was gay.  For some reason, I kept my story to my self… yet again.

I have had many similar conversations with many good Christian individuals.  I actually agree with almost everything they say about sin and the church’s response.  I do believe that living out a gay lifestyle is sin and that is why I choose to remain celibate.  However, the church gives no alternative or hope to those they confront and judge.  I am struggling to figure out how to further the conversation.  I have to believe that the church can shift their message to the gay community without straying from the truths of scripture.