Sometimes I feel more lonely being around others than when I am completely alone. I have written about this before and I am really feeling it this weekend. Last night I went to an Angels game and today I got to play a couple hours of beach volleyball with some friends. I should be excited and happy I had opportunities to hang out with others, but instead I am in a complete funk. I think the biggest reason why is with both activities, the other individuals had to “fit” them into their schedule around the time they spent with their wives or girlfriends. For me, this was the only interaction I was going to have with people for the weekend. Even while hanging out, it just felt weird to be around a group of people who I would call “friends” and yet know that not one of them really knew what was going on in my life. Their lives could continue on without me and it would not make any difference whatsoever and yet for me, I need them in order to have even a remote form of community.
I don’t know which is worse: being alone or being around others and feeling completely disconnected.
I honestly hate having to force myself to interact during these times. Everything inside of me screams to retract and isolate. Tomorrow I have another BBQ to go to, celebrating the graduation of one of my friend’s wives. My attendance honestly does not matter as no one would even notice if I did not go. I feel as though I am trying to wedge myself into my friend’s already complete lives.