It’s been rough.

I need others.  I am extremely needy.  However, no individual will ever be able to meet my needs.  It is simply impossible.  At the same time, no one needs me.  To not be needed is one of the most depressing places to be.

With or without me, people’s lives will go on… with very little or no difference at all.


Why not do a baby toss?

Wedding season is here.  Bleh.

I always have mixed feelings about going to weddings.  While I want to be supportive and excited for my friend getting married, I can’t say that I enjoy going to weddings all that much.  In all honesty, I am one of those guys who takes advantage of the open bar at weddings.  A wedding without alcohol is a an event one step shy of hell for a person like me.

I am already trying to prepare myself for the barrage of comments regarding my singleness and how someday I will meet the right person.  I told my friend that I will be trying to sneak away during the garter toss, as I will be one of five sorry souls having to stand in front of everyone, shamefully admitting to our singleness.  Unfortunately, my friend has threatened to call me out on the PA system… so not exactly sure what’s going to happen there.

I told him that he should start a new tradition of calling out all the married couples without kids to the dance floor.  They then could take a baby doll and toss it over their head and see who catches it.  My friend told me that as funny as it would be, it wouldn’t work out because some couples are unable to have kids.  I told him some people are unable to get married…

Diaper Jesus

Sometimes I am completely caught off guard by the circumstances and moments God uses to convict me of something in my life.  Today at work, I was getting frustrated with my student, who seemed to have regressed and forgotten all the progress we had made over the last two weeks.  Mondays are always the toughest days at a school for special needs because all of the students return from being at home for the weekend, where most of them have had no structure at all.  My kid must of had a particularly rough weekend because he immediately began ripping off his clothes and testing me in any way he possibly could.  Needless to say, my patience began to dwindle rather quickly.

Half way through the day, I went into the bathroom to change my student’s diaper.  The diaper his father sent was unusually large and so I did my best to pull it tight onto him, even though it probably could have been large enough to fit Shaquille O’Neil.  Anyways, one of my co-workers walked in and laughed about the fact that my student looked like Jesus… since he was naked except for a large white cloth pulled him.  While my co-worker was simply making a joke, a sense of conviction flooded over me.  Immediately, I felt ashamed for losing my temper with him earlier and I was reminded about how even the “least of these” are still precious in the eyes of God.

I want to learn to see everyone the way Jesus sees them.  While my students may be very low functioning with each of their individual special needs, the ironic thing is that I forget that I have my own special needs as well.  In fact, there are probably many instances where I am far more needy than they ever will be.

Be Alone or Feel Disconnected

Sometimes I feel more lonely being around others than when I am completely alone.  I have written about this before and I am really feeling it this weekend.  Last night I went to an Angels game and today I got to play a couple hours of beach volleyball with some friends.  I should be excited and happy I had opportunities to hang out with others, but instead I am in a complete funk.  I think the biggest reason why is with both activities, the other individuals had to “fit” them into their schedule around the time they spent with their wives or girlfriends.  For me, this was the only interaction I was going to have with people for the weekend.  Even while hanging out, it just felt weird to be around a group of people who I would call “friends” and yet know that not one of them really knew what was going on in my life.  Their lives could continue on without me and it would not make any difference whatsoever and yet for me, I need them in order to have even a remote form of community.

I don’t know which is worse: being alone or being around others and feeling completely disconnected.

I honestly hate having to force myself to interact during these times.  Everything inside of me screams to retract and isolate.  Tomorrow I have another BBQ to go to, celebrating the graduation of one of my friend’s wives.  My attendance honestly does not matter as no one would even notice if I did not go.  I feel as though I am trying to wedge myself into my friend’s already complete lives.