Seeking Solitude

I always thought I was returning to the States because God was calling me to invest in community.  Somehow I felt as though if I opened up to people and truly pursued relationships with people, slowly the community I have been desiring so deeply would materialize.  Despite my efforts, I have found myself to be more isolated than I have ever been in my life and I am realizing I have been missing a crucial step needed before community can develop… solitude.

Being in community is an essential part of my development, growth and healing.  The truth is I will never be satisfied with the community I have if I am looking to them to fulfill the isolation and loneliness I feel.  The church will never be the family I crave.  The curse of a single/homosexual Christian is that life is a long walk alone.  Somehow I have to learn to be fully satisfied in God alone.  While this is such a “churchy” concept and I have heard it so many times, the reality is I don’t know how to be fully satisfied in God.  As I live day after day completely on my own, I can’t help but desire a tangible and physical love.  In seeking out advice from others, all I continue to hear is how I need to keep on “trying” and be even more disciplined and devout in my search for God.  While there will always be areas in my life I need to work on, I always have thought the Bible speaks of a God that pursues us.  I feel as though I am spending ours in silence waiting to hear from God and all I hear is silence.

While I don’t know exactly what God is attempting to reveal in my life at this moment, all I can do is return to solitude.  I am trying to stand firm on the truth of the Bible and ignore how far off my experience seems to be.  God is the consuming fire that refines me.  This process is and will continue to be painful. Perhaps in the end I can pursue community not from a place of selfish neediness, but from a place of truly knowing who I am in Christ.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Seeking Solitude

  1. “The church will never be the family I crave. The curse of a single/homosexual Christian is that life is a long walk alone.”

    This makes me so sad. I have a dream that someday we can all just be Christians, rather than separated by orientation or marital status or any other of the many things that seem to divide us.

  2. Read “The Naked Gospel” by Andrew Farley. =) Might help you out.

    If you can’t find one, I’ll send you a free copy, just contact me, =)

    I hope you know that I share in your pain. -_-

  3. I’ve followed your blog for a long time now but, to be honest, allowed fear to keep me from posting any responses. That’s cowardly of me and I apologize. I understand your pain, frustration, and loneliness very well. The longing for community is natural. I have one myself, though only a very few know of my struggles. And while they know and offer support and encouragement, they don’t really understand. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. And for a long time now all I’ve wanted was to be stable.

    “While there will always be areas in my life I need to work on, I always have thought the Bible speaks of a God that pursues us. I feel as though I am spending ours in silence waiting to hear from God and all I hear is silence.”

    This spoke volumes to me! I understand that so fully it about broke my heart. It’s easy to say ‘you’re not alone’, but you’re not. I know I don’t know you, and you don’t know me; but I understand where you’re coming from. I think for me, what I’ve decided in the last week or so, is that my problem is I focus so hard on how easy things were before and feeling guilty over the past, that I’ve been missing the things I need to focus on.

    I recently bought a book, Jesus + Nothing = Everything. I haven’t read too far into it, but I believe if it can help me realize that Jesus is my everything, then maybe being single won’t hurt so bad. And maybe those times of being alone won’t feel so much like being lonely. Not sure if that makes sense. I’m putting a link to the book here, it’s also available in print at amazon and other places as well. If you decide to get it, or have already read it, I hope it offers you some hope (the same as I hope it offers to me).

    http://www.amazon.com/Jesus-Nothing-Everything-ebook/dp/B005UK87EG/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1334671481&sr=8-2

    I’m sorry for this really long comment. I just wanted to share what was in my heart. I pray God blesses and encourages you daily!

    • Thanks for your comment. It is great to hear from people who are reading and also know that many others share in similar experiences. I will definitely check out that book. I am a huge reader so I am always up for recommendations.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s