I always thought I was returning to the States because God was calling me to invest in community. Somehow I felt as though if I opened up to people and truly pursued relationships with people, slowly the community I have been desiring so deeply would materialize. Despite my efforts, I have found myself to be more isolated than I have ever been in my life and I am realizing I have been missing a crucial step needed before community can develop… solitude.
Being in community is an essential part of my development, growth and healing. The truth is I will never be satisfied with the community I have if I am looking to them to fulfill the isolation and loneliness I feel. The church will never be the family I crave. The curse of a single/homosexual Christian is that life is a long walk alone. Somehow I have to learn to be fully satisfied in God alone. While this is such a “churchy” concept and I have heard it so many times, the reality is I don’t know how to be fully satisfied in God. As I live day after day completely on my own, I can’t help but desire a tangible and physical love. In seeking out advice from others, all I continue to hear is how I need to keep on “trying” and be even more disciplined and devout in my search for God. While there will always be areas in my life I need to work on, I always have thought the Bible speaks of a God that pursues us. I feel as though I am spending ours in silence waiting to hear from God and all I hear is silence.
While I don’t know exactly what God is attempting to reveal in my life at this moment, all I can do is return to solitude. I am trying to stand firm on the truth of the Bible and ignore how far off my experience seems to be. God is the consuming fire that refines me. This process is and will continue to be painful. Perhaps in the end I can pursue community not from a place of selfish neediness, but from a place of truly knowing who I am in Christ.