For the past three weeks, I have felt as though I have had zero control over my life. Also, never would I have thought that issues with my car would be capable of completely taking over my life. It really makes me appreciate the year I spent traveling without worrying about the “stuff” I owned in my life. In the end, I feel as though I don’t own my stuff but my stuff owns me.
Ever since my accident, I have continued to have one thing after another go wrong. Every time I feel as though I have finally managed to get things under control, something else goes wrong. After all thats gone on, I am pretty sure the devil is the master of the auto industry and has a direct switch to everyone’s check engine light. It seriously felt as though everyone in the car industry are all Satan’s little minions sent to torment us/rape us for everything we have.
I ended up having a couple melt downs through out the past few weeks which was a rather humbling experience for me. I reached the point where I felt so overwhelmed by all that was going on (not just issues with my car) that I simply couldn’t handle everything on my own. It was a really pathetic moment to look at my life and realize that almost every aspect of my life wasn’t going well and I felt powerless to change things. Everything from my living situation, church, friendships, job and car all seemed out of my control. No matter how much I tried, I felt incapable of succeeding at life in general…
I hate showing weakness, but it was reassuring to turn to a few people during those moments and see how they were more than willing to be there for me. It was also interesting to reflect on why I was willing to let certain individuals see me in my broken and messed up state, while I hid it from others. I guess it is an honest reflection of how much I actually trust certain individuals… which for some is a lot less than I would have thought.
Now that things have finally calmed down a little, I really want to refocus again. The month of March basically was a black hole that never existed. I feel as though I made no progress at all and I really need to start moving forward again. It has been a rough start to April but I am expecting things to start improving soon. I just don’t see how things could get much worse… (and yet life always seems to surprise me).