A little while back I had a really hard conversation with one of my closest friends.  I asked him for his honest thoughts and he gave them to me.  What he said was not what I wanted to hear.  As I left feeling completely frustrated and misunderstood, I tried to comfort myself by telling myself that he had no clue what my life was like and how difficult it really is to be in my shoes…

Like so many other times, it was so much easier for me to play the victim then to stand up and face the hard truth in front of me.  I can point the finger at the church, my family, and my friends for all the areas that I am dissatisfied with life, however even if there are areas of fault in others, victimizing myself is never going to get me very far.  That being the case, why do I view myself as the victim so often?

I see it in society all the time as well.  People try to blame their circumstance on racism, sexism, or bigotry and in the end, I think it is simply a coverup for them to step up and be the better person.  Back when I was teaching in the public schools, “Is it because I am Black, (Mexican, a girl, etc)?” was the constant response from students trying to avoid the consequences of their actions when they got in trouble.  My students were under the age of 13 and somehow had already learned, playing the role of the victim was an easy way out of getting in trouble.

In today’s society, I see the LGBT community speak of all the hatred they experience from the church.  While this may be (is) true, when will the LGBT community choose to take the high road and start living out their own message of love and acceptance by loving the church despite its flaws?  All I see is hatred being combated by equal hatred.

In my own life I am trying to stop playing the victim.  It is incredibly hard.  Yesterday I was reassigned classrooms at work.  It was completely out of the blue and everyone at work (including myself) thought that I had done something to my supervising teacher that ticked her off enough to kick me out of her class.  I spent the whole day in the the new classroom trying to not get frustrated by what I thought was unfair treatment.  At the end of the day, having heard the rumors floating around, my new supervisor approached me.  He told me he had requested me to fit a particular need in his class and it had nothing to do with my previous supervisor.  I felt like a fool for all that I had assumed and how quickly I had placed myself as a victim.  As always, I need to start seeing my circumstances through a positive lens… my life is probably far better than I think.

How do you deal with the circumstances where you are being wronged but want to avoid playing the victim?



Seeking Solitude

I always thought I was returning to the States because God was calling me to invest in community.  Somehow I felt as though if I opened up to people and truly pursued relationships with people, slowly the community I have been desiring so deeply would materialize.  Despite my efforts, I have found myself to be more isolated than I have ever been in my life and I am realizing I have been missing a crucial step needed before community can develop… solitude.

Being in community is an essential part of my development, growth and healing.  The truth is I will never be satisfied with the community I have if I am looking to them to fulfill the isolation and loneliness I feel.  The church will never be the family I crave.  The curse of a single/homosexual Christian is that life is a long walk alone.  Somehow I have to learn to be fully satisfied in God alone.  While this is such a “churchy” concept and I have heard it so many times, the reality is I don’t know how to be fully satisfied in God.  As I live day after day completely on my own, I can’t help but desire a tangible and physical love.  In seeking out advice from others, all I continue to hear is how I need to keep on “trying” and be even more disciplined and devout in my search for God.  While there will always be areas in my life I need to work on, I always have thought the Bible speaks of a God that pursues us.  I feel as though I am spending ours in silence waiting to hear from God and all I hear is silence.

While I don’t know exactly what God is attempting to reveal in my life at this moment, all I can do is return to solitude.  I am trying to stand firm on the truth of the Bible and ignore how far off my experience seems to be.  God is the consuming fire that refines me.  This process is and will continue to be painful. Perhaps in the end I can pursue community not from a place of selfish neediness, but from a place of truly knowing who I am in Christ.

A Series Of Unfortunate Events

For the past three weeks, I have felt as though I have had zero control over my life.  Also, never would I have thought that issues with my car would be capable of completely taking over my life.  It really makes me appreciate the year I spent traveling without worrying about the “stuff” I owned in my life.  In the end, I feel as though I don’t own my stuff but my stuff owns me.

Ever since my accident, I have continued to have one thing after another go wrong.  Every time I feel as though I have finally managed to get things under control, something else goes wrong.  After all thats gone on, I am pretty sure the devil is the master of the auto industry and has a direct switch to everyone’s check engine light.  It seriously felt as though everyone in the car industry are all Satan’s little minions sent to torment us/rape us for everything we have.

I ended up having a couple melt downs through out the past few weeks which was a rather humbling experience for me.  I reached the point where I felt so overwhelmed by all that was going on (not just issues with my car) that I simply couldn’t handle everything on my own.  It was a really pathetic moment to look at my life and realize that almost every aspect of my life wasn’t going well and I felt powerless to change things.  Everything from my living situation, church, friendships, job and car all seemed out of my control.  No matter how much I tried, I felt incapable of succeeding at life in general…

I hate showing weakness, but it was reassuring to turn to a few people during those moments and see how they were more than willing to be there for me.  It was also interesting to reflect on why I was willing to let certain individuals see me in my broken and messed up state, while I hid it from others.  I guess it is an honest reflection of how much I actually trust certain individuals… which for some is a lot less than I would have thought.

Now that things have finally calmed down a little, I really want to refocus again.  The month of March basically was a black hole that never existed.  I feel as though I made no progress at all and I really need to start moving forward again.  It has been a rough start to April but I am expecting things to start improving soon.  I just don’t see how things could get much worse… (and yet life always seems to surprise me).