Scam My Spring Break Away

This week was supposed to be my spring break.  I was hoping to go camping or go on a road trip, however none of my plans worked out.  Instead, I had one of the worst weeks of my life… and mainly due to mistakes I made.  To begin with, I got in an accident and totaled my car.  Thankfully no one was hurt but I didn’t have collision and as a result my car was a complete loss.  I spent a few days borrowing a car, while I searched around for a car to buy.  I found a good deal online and to make a long story short, I got scammed.  Trusting people has never been my strength and yet the one time that I do, it backfires on me.  It was not exactly the way I wanted to spend my days off…

As I experienced these major low moments, I seriously tried my best to remain faithful to trusting in God.  It was so hard.  Even though I was to blame for the mistakes, I continued to try to place blame on anyone other than myself… including God.  Deep down I felt that regardless of the foolish choices I had made, God could have prevented it.  Even as I was going up searching for a car, I was continually in prayer, asking God for wisdom.  Why didn’t He come through?

Already, I have been struggling to get a grasp on life.  When all of the crap hit the fans, I could not help but feel helpless and that I always get screwed in life.  For once I wish that things would simply go my way.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the road that God has planned for me.  All I can assume is that the lessons I needed to learn were far greater than the financial loss that I experienced as I got scammed.  It is also always so hard to remember in the moment that those difficult times will pass.  But they do… and God is always good in the midst of that.  I am recognizing more and more that I cannot let my relationship with God get affected by the circumstances that I am in.  Thank God He remains the same and never changes.

She’s Interested, I’m Not

I rarely pick up on when a girl likes me.  It has happened previously in the past, but I usually find out from someone else two years later (or even longer).  I went to a Starbucks the other day and had a nice conversation with the barista behind the counter while I ordered my drink.  She commented on the fact that I looked familiar to someone (which I get all the time) and asked if I had ever been told that I look like Jim from The Office.  We chatted for a little and I didn’t think much of it until later on while I was sitting down reading she came up and offered me a free scone.  As I went to leave, I thanked her for the scone and we shared a few words.

I went back to the same Starbucks today.  The same girl was behind the register again and when I walked up, she clearly remembered me.  “You came back!” she said, and quickly shared a look with her co-worker.

I will have to admit, I enjoyed the attention.  Even though I had zero attraction towards her, it felt good to be noticed.  It is unfortunate that I don’t get to experience a normal life and see how things like this play out.  While the likelihood of me ever getting married is slim, I still hope that somehow, someday, I will find a women who I fall in love with and is willing to walk through this life with me.  The fact that I even noticed the girl’s interest is a spark of hope…

Be Happy You Aren’t My Trash Can

I have been sick for almost two weeks now.  Those little snot-faced buggers at my school got me good on this one.  Due to not having health insurance, I haven’t gone to the doctor yet and I am hoping that it will go away naturally… but in the mean time, being sick sucks.  I realized that since becoming sick, I have slowly become more and more self focused.  I know it is a natural thing to do, especially since I need to take care of myself, but it has become hard to stay focused on God.

As I have snotted up bags full of tissue and rubbed my nose raw, I really don’t want to do much other then sit around, zone out, and watch television.  It has been hard to get up the motivation to spend time praying, doing devotions and reading.  Particularly since every time I bow my head, Niagara Falls pours forth from my nostrils.  Anyways, it has been disappointing since I felt as though I had made some serious progress in my life this past month…

Also, this is the second weekend I spent alone in the apartment.  Part of me is perfectly fine with doing nothing and simply trying to rest and get better.  At the same time, there were no invitations or opportunities to hang out either way and I have been trying my best to not get caught up on that.  I can’t help but recognize how small my community has become and how disconnected from others I really am.  I live roughly 40 minutes from my church, which makes it difficult to get involved there more.  I have been thinking about changing churches again, which I really hate doing… but if the distance to my church is going to keep me from developing the community that I know I need, then I think I might have to find a place closer.

It is easy to get down when my body feels so lousy, but I am trying to not let myself get too low.  Once I get better and come back full force with a strengthened immune system, hopefully I can regain my focus again.

Too Few For The Church?

Deep down, I have a desire to see the church step forth into a new light regarding their awareness of issues regarding homosexuality and more specifically celibate Christian men and women within their community who have same sex attractions.  It hurts me to see how a blanket statement is thrown over all Christians as being the main example of hatred and bigotry towards homosexuals.  The church has a long way to go and on more than one occasion I have had people ask if I would ever be willing to lay aside the control I have on who knows my story and be willing to be the face to the issue by address the church.  At this point I don’t believe I am ready.

There may come a day where I could see myself addressing a larger group regarding this issue, however I feel as though I am going to have to learn a lot of humility and reliance on God before that day comes.  Furthermore, I know I owe it to all of my close friends to share with them my story directly before they find out through word of mouth.

As much as I desire to see the church move forward, I have had some doubts about how that should even take place.  While our story or voice is never heard in the church, are we so small of a minority that it isn’t worth addressing our needs with the church as a whole or in a men’s group?  There are so many others, all struggling with their own respective issues that I can’t help but wonder if I am being selfish for wanting the church to grow in awareness of those struggling with S.S.A.