I am feeling very insecure right now. While today was an excellent day all around, the smallest little thing knocked me off the edge and put me into a downward spiral. The bottom line of it all is that I will always come second to a persons marriage and somehow I have to come to a place where I am ok with that. The thing is that I don’t know if I can…
There has been some tremendous growth in my friendships over the past few months. While I am normally able to focus on the positive, the doubts begin to creep in and I really start questioning if it is worth fighting for community and relationships. In almost every friendship that I have, I come second to a significant other and as a result I always feel as though I am simply a filler in my friend’s lives. The sad fact is that my honorable status of being a filler is even contingent upon the fact that their spouse or significant other is working, busy, or not around. I know that the honest truth is that I am important to them and that they do value our friendship, but most days its hard to feel or see that truth. Maybe it is due to my selfish tendencies, but I can’t help but desire to be preferred by my friends. I want them to desire to hang out with me, rather than finding time they can spare to fit me into their lives.
I don’t think they ever think about how the words they use affect me. How would anyone feel valued if the most common line given in reference to their desire to spend time with me is “Let me see if I can find some time” or “I will see if (wife’s name) is gone and I am not doing anything”? I recognize that their marriage is the most important relationship in their life and I want to support them in making that their utmost priority. However, I cannot keep fighting for these friendships if I am the only one that puts value on them.
I want to hold onto the hope that it is possible to maintain friendships with individuals who are married. I want to believe that marriage is not an exclusive stage of life but people can develop relationships and community in all walks, single or married. More likely than not, due to my same sex attraction, I will never get married in life. To come to grips with that reality has been difficult enough, but to have to recognize that all friendships are forfeit because I will never experience marriage is almost unbearable.