I was driving home the other night after hanging out with my friend Will and for the first time in a long time, my heart was overflowing with joy. It was a strange feeling for me to experience, as it is a rare occurrence. I can’t even remember the last time I had such feelings. I sat there and tried to figure out why I had these feelings and I realized something…
I finally felt comfortable being myself.
My relationship with Will has continued to grow deeper over the last two months and God has been doing some amazing things in our relationship. As we have grown closer, I have slowly been able to let down my guard and truly share whatever I am feeling. Never in my life have I been able to do that. There has always been a filter. However, as he has shown me his willingness to walk with me on this journey, I have been able to let go of the walls I have always needed to put up.
Not only was I able to be myself, but I felt known and understood by someone.
It has been scary as hell to utter what is truly going on inside of me. I have had to come to recognize that I am different from the “normal” man and that the depth I desire in my friendships with guys is far more than others. I have always hated to admit that. No one wants to admit their neediness. As I have slowly opened up with Will, he has pushed me to keep being vulnerable and thankfully, he has been able to grasp what is going on in my life. With most men, I have always felt as though I am talking to a brick wall. As I force myself to be transparent and vulnerable, in the end nothing registers with them and I walk away feeling more dejected. Thankfully, by the grace of God alone, my relationship with Will has developed to where it is now and I think I am finally seeing a breakthrough in my own life.
As I drove the rest of the way home, one fear quickly set in… nothing this good can last. I don’t know if the devil was trying to fight back or if it is merely the pattern of life that I have always experienced, rising to the surface, but I knew that I didn’t want the fear to paralyze me. I know challenges will come with my relationship with Will and I am fine with that. As good as things are now, I don’t want them to stay here. With every challenge we face and overcome, our friendship will only grow deeper. For now, I simply sit here in a state of gratitude and thankfulness. I have found the glimpse of hope that I have been needing in order to get through this rough stage in life that I have been going through.