As I drove towards my small group tonight, I was curious how things would turn out after telling them my story last week. I didn’t know if it would end up being a major topic of conversation or if it would just sort of slide on by. For the most part, it never came up… except on one major issue.
We have been going through 1 Corinthians together and this week we were reading chapter 8 together. The overarching theme of the chapter is on the freedom we have in Christ but how we need to be willing to relinquish that freedom if we may cause another brother or sister in the church to stumble. We had a good conversation about what this means today and how our behavior is seen is not only important for those in the church, but those out of the church as well.
Ever since I returned from working overseas, I have been staying with a female friend of mine who happened to have an open room in her apartment. My conscience and intentions with her have been completely clear since I moved in as being that I struggle with homosexuality, there is no temptation whatsoever in living with a girl. However, when one of the leaders at my church heard about my living situation, he voiced a little bit of concern. Had he tried to get to know me a bit more and perhaps dig a little deeper, I would have been more than willing to share my story with him. I found out later that he had brought up my living situation with Luke (who knows of my struggle) and had voiced more concern there.
Anyways, tonight at small group, the guys confronted me on this and mentioned the fact that in view of the scripture we read, perhaps I should consider moving out. I really struggled to know how to respond to them. I recognize where they are coming from and how my living situation may appear to individuals in the church. At the same time, they know that the truth of the situation is that there is no temptation or issue for me. I also mentioned to them that if I ended up moving in with a group of guys, I would then have the church questioning if it is smart for an individual dealing with same sex attraction to be living with guys who could be a temptation. I am screwed either way.
I am a bit lost right now, not knowing what I should do. I feel as though I can’t control all the different perceptions that people may have of me. I can’t control their judgements and assumptions. At the same time, I want to be obedient to God and if this is truly an issue, then I want to do the right thing. More than anything, I am scared that if I move out, I will end up more isolated and alone than I am now. I feel helpless. My prayer is that God will give me discernment regarding the situation and if I should move out, He would provide a healthy place for me to live.