Sometimes my body simply aches. I can feel it over every inch of my body… the desire for human touch and affection.
Most of the time I have been able to keep myself under control. I can be around really close friends and not have the desire for them to simply lean on my shoulder or for them to move their arm when we accidentally sit too close. Part of my craving may have to do with the lack of touch that I experience on a regular basis. The real truth is that I crave it because touch is the most direct sign of acceptance and love.
This past weekend was one of those times when I couldn’t control my desire for touch. I constantly felt the ache and desire for my friend to simply show a little affection. It scares me when I recognize these feelings with a particular guy. I start questioning if my feelings go beyond my desire for depth in our friendship and in reality I am attracted to my friend. It is such a fine and dangerous line.
All of this happened this past weekend with one of my closest friends. He doesn’t know about my struggle with S.S.A. yet and of all of my friends, I fear that our friendship will be over once I tell him. I am starting to take the view that if any of my friendships can’t withstand my being open and honest with them, then they are probably not worth investing in. That being said, I was planning on opening up to my friend this weekend, but I chickened out. Maybe next time…