“Nothing sucks more than feeling all alone… no matter how many people are around.” – J.D. from Scrubs
I walked out of my small group and instead of being rejuvenated or encouraged, I felt even more alone. In as much as I need to be in community and desperately need people, often times I end up being worse off after putting myself out there. I have only shared my story with one of the guys in the group and that could be part of the reason. As we speak about jobs, marriage, and other elements of life that are typical for the “normal” guy, I feel inadequate and incomplete. Instead of being confident in who I am and the road that God is calling me to, I feel as though I am having to justify myself to these guys. More than anything, I don’t feel known, understood, or accepted.
I am leading the group next week and my plan is to open up to the rest of the guys. If I am committed to developing this community, I am going to have to be vulnerable. I know that it is important for me to do this, however in doing so, it means that I will now have to walk along side not one, but three guys in their own insecurities, ignorance, and misunderstandings of what it means to struggle with homosexuality.
A year ago, I would always dread the response I would get form people by telling them my story. I always felt bad that I had to inconvenience their life by letting them know that one of their friends was gay. I feared rejection. Today though, it feels more of a pain to deal with the misconstrued and twisted ideas that Christians already have regarding the issue, then worry about how they respond to me. The hardest part of all of this is that once I tell someone my struggle, there ends up being an expectation in my mind of how I wish they would walk along side me and be apart of my life. Rarely does that ever happen and usually once I put myself out there, I get burned even more instead.
Sometimes it feels like it would just be easier to stay alone.