I’m Going To Hug You.

My friend Will has known about my struggle with homosexuality for four and a half years now.  He was the first friend that I opened up to and since then he has walked faithfully with me on this journey.  I cannot express how much his friendship means to me and how much I appreciate the grace and love he has shown me over the years.

Our relationship has not been without challenges.  While I knew that Will would always be there for me, for almost four years I never felt as though he was able to grasp what I was going through or the magnitude of my struggle.  Slowly our relationship became strained as he met a girl, got married, and moved forward in life.  While I was overseas, I prayed for months asking God to rekindle and develop a new depth in our friendship.  Upon returning, I had just finished reading A Bigger World Yet by Tim Timmerman, a book which I believe is the best and most impactful out of the books on same sex attraction.  Not only does the book go into the struggle and needs of the individual struggling with S.S.A., but it also speaks to the church and the role that the church should be playing to provide community, hope, and love.  I decided to pass the book on to Will to see what he thought.

Initially I was scared about how Will would respond to the book.  It is in a sense, an open confession of the needs and insecurities of those who struggle with S.S.A.  As much as I have been honest and vulnerable with him, there were certain needs or feelings that I would never feel comfortable expressing.  For instance, despite my need and desire for physical touch, there was no way I could share that with a straight guy.  However insight from the book triggered the biggest turn in our relationship and and God has used it to bring our friendship to a new level of depth and understanding.  By describing the life of one who struggles with S.S.A. so clearly and the impact that a straight man can have on that person, Will finally was able to recognize and comprehend all that I had been trying to explain for the past four years.

Right now we are at a place where we both are trying to figure out how this looks for Will to walk this journey with me.  As he is trying to he apart of my life, I am having to learn to set aside my own pride and be open about my thoughts, feelings and needs.  It has been real hard and I have a lot to learn still.  As we met tonight, one of the things we talked about was physical touch and how important it can be used to express acceptance and love.  Physical touch has never been apart of our friendship, and in as much as I desire it, I don’t want anything forced.  It would only make things awkward.  Furthermore, even while he is already aware of my need, it is still a struggle to actually admit such feelings.  Despite my pride, he spoke a lot of truth into me and reassured me that no matter how awkward it may be, he was willing to walk with me through all of this.

As we prepared to go our separate ways, he came up to me and just told me  “I’m going to hug you and from now on when we meet, we are going to hug.”  That simple action meant so much to me.  While I am still in the process of trying to understand how others can walk this journey with me, I think the bottom line is I really appreciate when others take initiative.  I can always share my needs and others can do their best to help out, but for him to step out and just let me know that he cares had a huge impact on me.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Going To Hug You.

  1. Hey Bro!
    I’ve been following your blog for a couple of months now. Yours is one of the very first ones I found when I finally decided to be honest with myself and started to look for help and to see what other ssa-guys who believe in the Bible go through. and all I can say is that your blog has been a very, very blessing to me in many ways in my own journey.
    I read this post also a few months ago, and I noticed the book you mentioned and I put it into my “to read” list, but it wasn’t until two weeks ago, that I bought it and just this week I started reading it. I’m already halfway through the book, and man, I cannot even express how much that book has resonated with me. Thank you for recommending it, and thank yo for pursuing God’s will for your life and let Him use you for His purpose through your writing.

    Don’t stop writing bro, you are helping people like me to find a little light in their journeys.

    I’ll pray for you brother, so your journey keeps getting better until one day I can meet you up in heaven.
    Have a great day!

    • Tony,
      Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement. I hope to start writing more again but life has been insane and I have struggled to really know what to even write. Hopefully I can get back to it soon though. Glad you picked up that book. It seriously has made such an impact on my friends being able to understand where I am at…

  2. Dear Sojourner, man I can totally relate to wanting to be touched, not in a sexual way, but to be held, especially by a man. I don’t know much about your testimony and what you have suffered in your life, but I was raised in a household that didn’t have much true parental love. There was sexual abuse from my mother, and my father…..well I only remember once him holding me when I was about 5 or six years of age. After that nothing. He was never really there for us (me and my brother).

    I grew up with gender confusion, my mother was sexually abused by her father, and he was not a kind man, but violent and abusive. And this is what I suffered with my mother also. I lived a very lonely life, tried to kill myself when I was about 14, didn’t have a friend in the world, and no real love. My mother truly had a hatred for men, but she denies it to this day. She was off and on involved with lesbian’s through my child and adult life.

    It would seem when we as children don’t have that Parental love that God requires from them, we grow up with deep insecure affectionate needs, when it’s not there we go searching for it. I grew up desiring to be a girl, just so my mother would love me and accept me. I always grew up hearing how much she wanted girls, and I can understand that due to the circumstances upon which she grew up with a very disturbed and wicked father.

    So just be aware that I TOTALLY understand your struggles, I’ve been there and still am in some ways. But the closer the Lord has brought me to HIMSELF, the less I feel that terrible loneliness that can haunt one. Many times when the Lord knows I truly need Him to be close to me in an affectionate manner, He does draw close and I can feel His warm loving embrace as if He was my parent. And this scripture the Lord has used to give me comfort when I truly felt how I was robbed of loving parents.
    Psa 27:10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take me up.
    And this the Lord has done on so many levels, He has brought the healing deep within, but every now and then I still find I need that affectionate touch.

    The Lord bless you.
    In His Eternal Love
    A brother in our Lord.

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