There are some days where I feel as though I was finally able to take one step forward. Today was one of those days. I had some good time doing devotions, reflecting and listening to God. I was reminded of the importance of repentance. I was reading in Romans 2 and it started me thinking about how we should not be in a place of judging others, but rather when we find ourselves judging, it is a good time for us to be repentent of our own sin. After spending some time confessing and repenting of my sin, it was only natural to then turn to God and worship Him for the grace and mercy He has shown to someone as sinful as me.
On a negative note, I feel as though every time I make progress or start getting on the right track, the devil works overtime to get me back off of it. About 5 months ago I finally got out of a unhealthy relationship with a guy. It was a relationship that had a lot of potential for both of us to grow in our faith together. We both struggled with homosexuality and initially we found a lot of areas of common experiences or shared feelings. However, as we grew closer, the physical relationship because stronger and eventually I got caught up into a sinful lifestyle. We never had sex, but came close many different times.
Anyways, despite the sin we were living in, it was the first time for me to experience such a deep intimacy and actually love someone. It has been extremely difficult since cutting ties with him to not long for that intimacy again. Even though it has been 5 months, he comes to mind almost every day. It takes everything in me to not dwell or fantasize about the things we did together. Usually I fail.
I just hope that I can continue to stay strong in the midst of all of this. I am at a lonely place and so my desire for love, attention, and community is constantly there. Some days I wonder if coming back to Southern California was even the right move… however I have to trust that God’s going to open the doors, help me meet the right people, and bring about good out of this life.