I am my own pastor, mentor and confidant

Unemployment, couch surfing, holiday season, and several other chaotic elements seem to be contributing to me not particularly enjoying where I am at in life at this moment.  I know from past experiences that these rough times will pass, however in the current moment, I feel as though I am drowning.

During these times, I find myself becoming the victim in every situation.  I can’t help but look at my situation and start feeling sorry for myself or start blaming others.  Having been gone for so long, my desire for community has continued to grow and develop and now that I have returned, it simply isn’t there.  I have made my desires known to some friends and I am realizing that in many ways I might not be willing to commit to community myself.

I am staying at my friend’s apartment right now and because of the Christmas season as well as her job, usually the apartment is empty.  I find such great relief when I finally get back and don’t have to deal with anyone.  It might be that I am getting use to being alone and so I simply prefer to not have to deal with people, but in reality I think it may be because I don’t want to exert the effort needed to develop the community that is essential for my growth and healing.  As I struggle with homosexuality, I recognize the value in community, however I think that most people rely upon romantic relationships to make them feel fulfilled and so they rarely feel the same need as I do.  I think in the long run that can be detrimental.  I have to recognize that I might have to do all of the work and keep pursuing others even though they don’t feel the need for community nearly as much as I do…  I wish that for once I would be pursued by others, rather than me having to do the pursuing.

What sucks is that I am going to have to make an intentional choice to continue to put my neck out to seek community.  As easy as it is to sit at home and find sanctuary in an empty apartment, time and time again, I fall to the temptations and demons inside of me.  I see myself as the victim and then justify indulgence into my desires.  I need to change how I view myself.

Henri Nouwen writes about the need to tell one’s story from a distant place where it no longer dominates you.  It is easy to dwell on the present sufferings and trials and to continue to go back to past failures and pains.  I need to remind myself of the truth and not let me feelings and emotions to control and dictate how I view the situation I am in.  I have to keep preaching to myself the words that I wish to hear from others.  Maybe someday I will be in a community where I can rely on others more, but until then I have to be the pastor, the mentor, and the confidant for myself.  When you lack the community needed for growth and accountability, what are other areas or ways you hear the needed truth that is so often invisible in the midst of difficult times?

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