Being back in the U.S. has been difficult. I completely expected this time to be hard and challenging, however I thought I would have a bit more self control and things would fall into place a bit easier. What I have quickly realized is that by being gone for a year and a half, my place in people’s life is no longer there. Their daily lives have developed and have gone on without me for so long that for me to be back is awkward. Clearly it is going to take some time for me to feel comfortable around everyone and for them to find a place in their life for me as well. I know that my feelings are not at all a representation of where our friendships are at, however I think I may have had too high of expectations of how things would look when I would get back.
I love the party scene in 500 Days of Summer where it compares the difference between expectations and reality. I feel as though I am always experiencing a similar parallel in my life. As much as I pride myself on being a realistic person, I still naively fall into hoping for things to turn out better with my friends. I struggled with being isolated and alone while I was overseas and I couldn’t help but long to get back to the states where I felt I had a decent community. However, whenever I am here I never really feel that I truly belong. My personal insecurities make me feel as though I am inconveniencing others when I try to set up time to hang out together. I also feel as though everyone else is perfectly satisfied with the level of where our friendship is at while I desire more intimacy and depth. Why do I feel as though I am the only one who desires more in a friendship?