I have not written here in so long and a quick warning, this is not a thought through post, but merely a spewing of thoughts. This past year has been absolutely brutal. With every month, the weight of staggering through life alone has weighed heavier and heavier. I started going back to therapy recently and it seems as though I am hitting the point where I am having to simply acknowledge that there simply is no seat for me at the table in the evangelical/Protestant world. I have tried for so long to get people to understand, to see from a new perspective or to even simply acknowledge that the state in which the church is at in regards to the gay community is not acceptable.
I read every book that is published, follow the blogs and explore the new podcasts. Despite this, I have yet to find hope for someone like me. What future is there for us? Is it merely to survive the rest of life alone?
Attempts at sharing this struggle with those in my church usually end up putting others in a state of defense. They say they love and care about me, but grabbing coffee once a month simply cannot count as true community or relationship. I continue to receive the typical responses and suggestions: you shouldn’t focus on myself as much, it’s an addiction issue, or you just need to find the right girl.
God has gone silent. Nothing. Call it my dark night of the soul. I feel as though God has abandoned me, just like everyone else. I can’t settle for Christian cliches and empty encouragements. I want to truly know him and love him. He has to be real, nothing less.
Church, where are you in this conversation? Do you see those of us who are part of the body and yet are completely neglected? Do you have solutions for us or is our calling just to grind it out alone?