The somewhat scary part of all of this is that my commitment issues are now springing up.  As long as I didn’t have a job, there was always the possibility of moving on.  Now I have to actually look for an apartment, find a roommate, sign a lease, buy furniture, and commit to remaining in a location for a period of time.  Right now all my possessions are nice stored in 4 boxes.  There is so much freedom in not having to worry about stuff.  Perhaps I just need to grow up and recognize that responsible adults don’t live transient lives.  There are definitely going to be some hard changes coming up.  I am sure it will be good for me in the long run, despite how difficult it will be initially.

The thing that scares me the most is that I can’t runaway now when things get rough… I came back wanting to commit to community.  Time for me to nut up or shut up.

1. Deliver Me – Sarah Brightman
2. You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban
3. Hurt – Johnny Cash
4. Hold On Hope – Guided By Voices
5. Need You Now – Lady Antebellum
6. Waiting For My Real Life To Begin – Colin Hay
7. Will You Be There – Michael Jackson
8. The Beautiful Letdown – Switchfoot
9. Til Kingdom Come – Coldplay
10. Hallelujah – Rufus Wainwright
11. What If I Stumble – dc Talk
12. Not Afraid – Eminem
13. Iris – Goo Goo Dolls
14. Cry For Love – Michael W. Smith
15. Bad Day – Daniel Powter
16. When God Ran – Shaded Red
17. Broken – Lifehouse
18. Every New Day – Five Iron Frenzy
19. Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day
20. Paradigm – All Together Separate

There has been some tremendous growth in my friendships over the past few months. While I am normally able to focus on the positive, the doubts begin to creep in and I really start questioning if it is worth fighting for community and relationships. In almost every friendship that I have, I come second to a significant other and as a result I always feel as though I am simply a filler in my friend’s lives. The sad fact is that my honorable status of being a filler is even contingent upon the fact that their spouse or significant other is working, busy, or not around.  I know that the honest truth is that I am important to them and that they do value our friendship, but most days its hard to feel or see that truth.  Maybe it is due to my selfish tendencies, but I can’t help but desire to be preferred by my friends. I want them to desire to hang out with me, rather than finding time they can spare to fit me into their lives.

I don’t think they ever think about how the words they use affect me.  How would anyone feel valued if the most common line given in reference to their desire to spend time with me is “Let me see if I can find some time” or “I will see if (wife’s name) is gone and I am not doing anything”?  I recognize that their marriage is the most important relationship in their life and I want to support them in making that their utmost priority.  However, I cannot keep fighting for these friendships if I am the only one that puts value on them.

I want to hold onto the hope that it is possible to maintain friendships with individuals who are married.  I want to believe that marriage is not an exclusive stage of life but people can develop relationships and community in all walks, single or married.  More likely than not, due to my same sex attraction, I will never get married in life.  To come to grips with that reality has been difficult enough, but to have to recognize that all friendships are forfeit because I will never experience marriage is almost unbearable.

I finally felt comfortable being myself.

My relationship with Will has continued to grow deeper over the last two months and God has been doing some amazing things in our relationship.  As we have grown closer, I have slowly been able to let down my guard and truly share whatever I am feeling.  Never in my life have I been able to do that.  There has always been a filter.  However, as he has shown me his willingness to walk with me on this journey, I have been able to let go of the walls I have always needed to put up.

Not only was I able to be myself, but I felt known and understood by someone.

It has been scary as hell to utter what is truly going on inside of me.  I have had to come to recognize that I am different from the “normal” man and that the depth I desire in my friendships with guys is far more than others.  I have always hated to admit that.  No one wants to admit their neediness.  As I have slowly opened up with Will, he has pushed me to keep being vulnerable and thankfully, he has been able to grasp what is going on in my life.  With most men, I have always felt as though I am talking to a brick wall.  As I force myself to be transparent and vulnerable, in the end nothing registers with them and I walk away feeling more dejected.  Thankfully, by the grace of God alone, my relationship with Will has developed to where it is now and I think I am finally seeing a breakthrough in my own life.

As I drove the rest of the way home, one fear quickly set in… nothing this good can last.  I don’t know if the devil was trying to fight back or if it is merely the pattern of life that I have always experienced, rising to the surface, but I knew that I didn’t want the fear to paralyze me.  I know challenges will come with my relationship with Will and I am fine with that.  As good as things are now, I don’t want them to stay here.  With every challenge we face and overcome, our friendship will only grow deeper.  For now, I simply sit here in a state of gratitude and thankfulness.  I have found the glimpse of hope that I have been needing in order to get through this rough stage in life that I have been going through.

I finally landed another job interview.  While I was thankful for the opportunity, I soon realized that this job would not be setting me up for future progress into the field that I want to go to.  I don’t even know if I will get the job, but my fear is that if I do get it, I need to take it.  Any job is better than no job.

Anyways, after getting back from the interview I was a bit stressed and frustrated.  I came back to the apartment and of course was faced with all of my vices simultaneously.  Vice #1: Porn. #2: Masturbation. #3: Food. #4: Television.

After failing to fight Vice #1, I soon fell into all four.  Damn.

Now that my afternoon is completely wasted, I of course go into the phase of self-loathing.  As always, I feel stupid for not being able to control myself and falling into the temptations that I know I will be facing.  I hate when I fall into this cycle.  Particularly when I have been trying my best to be in the Word and spend time in prayer.  My relationship with God has been good… which makes days like today even more disappointing.

I feel like I have been extremely intentional in how I go about each day.  I try to make lists and stick to them.  After seeing how today went, I think I am going to have to stay outside more often.  Perhaps I will have to start paying rent at Starbucks, seeing how much time I end up spending there.  I also have come to realize that when I do land a job and need to find a place to live, I probably shouldn’t live alone.  While it can be such an inconvenience to live with people, I don’t think I have a choice.

Reject, Receive, or Redeem:

1. Reject: We can state that anything related to homosexuality is a sin.  Any attraction, behavior, or product stemming from homosexuality is inherently wrong.  The church should remain pure and holy by removing itself by completely rejecting all things homosexual.

2. Receive:  We can accept it with open arms.  If someone realizes they are gay, they should take pride in that and accept it as who they are and were created to be.  Our religious views need to continue to be molded as culture changes.

3. Redeem:  We can recognize that all are broken and yet God has a plan of redemption within our brokenness.  As vessels and ambassadors of Chist here on earth, the church can focus their attention more on their role to redeem those who have a same sex attraction with eternity in mind, rather than channeling their efforts to fight a losing, earthly battle against a fallen world/culture.

I find the question that needs to be asked is what does it tangibly look like for the church to make an effort to redeem the issue and the people dealing with homosexuality?

We have been going through 1 Corinthians together and this week we were reading chapter 8 together.  The overarching theme of the chapter is on the freedom we have in Christ but how we need to be willing to relinquish that freedom if we may cause another brother or sister in the church to stumble.  We had a good conversation about what this means today and how our behavior is seen is not only important for those in the church, but those out of the church as well.

Ever since I returned from working overseas, I have been staying with a female friend of mine who happened to have an open room in her apartment.  My conscience and intentions with her have been completely clear since I moved in as being that I struggle with homosexuality, there is no temptation whatsoever in living with a girl.  However, when one of the leaders at my church heard about my living situation, he voiced a little bit of concern.  Had he tried to get to know me a bit more and perhaps dig a little deeper, I would have been more than willing to share my story with him.  I found out later that he had brought up my living situation with Luke (who knows of my struggle) and had voiced more concern there.

Anyways, tonight at small group, the guys confronted me on this and mentioned the fact that in view of the scripture we read, perhaps I should consider moving out.  I really struggled to know how to respond to them.  I recognize where they are coming from and how my living situation may appear to individuals in the church.  At the same time, they know that the truth of the situation is that there is no temptation or issue for me.  I also mentioned to them that if I ended up moving in with a group of guys, I would then have the church questioning if it is smart for an individual dealing with same sex attraction to be living with guys who could be a temptation.  I am screwed either way.

I am a bit lost right now, not knowing what I should do.  I feel as though I can’t control all the different perceptions that people may have of me.  I can’t control their judgements and assumptions.  At the same time, I want to be obedient to God and if this is truly an issue, then I want to do the right thing.  More than anything, I am scared that if I move out, I will end up more isolated and alone than I am now.  I feel helpless.  My prayer is that God will give me discernment regarding the situation and if I should move out, He would provide a healthy place for me to live.

Most of the time I have been able to keep myself under control.  I can be around really close friends and not have the desire for them to simply lean on my shoulder or for them to move their arm when we accidentally sit too close.  Part of my craving may have to do with the lack of touch that I experience on a regular basis.  The real truth is that I crave it because touch is the most direct sign of acceptance and love.

This past weekend was one of those times when I couldn’t control my desire for touch.  I constantly felt the ache and desire for my friend to simply show a little affection.  It scares me when I recognize these feelings with a particular guy.  I start questioning if my feelings go beyond my desire for depth in our friendship and in reality I am attracted to my friend.  It is such a fine and dangerous line.

All of this happened this past weekend with one of my closest friends.  He doesn’t know about my struggle with S.S.A. yet and of all of my friends, I fear that our friendship will be over once I tell him.  I am starting to take the view that if any of my friendships can’t withstand my being open and honest with them, then they are probably not worth investing in.  That being said, I was planning on opening up to my friend this weekend, but I chickened out.  Maybe next time…

Anyways, pathetic-ness aside, I normally spend my time at Starbucks reading and journaling.  While I was spewing my frustrations into my journal today, I happen to scan back through my last few entries over the past month.  I don’t normally read what I have previously written, but as I did, I couldn’t laugh at how almost every single entry started off by my complaining about how badly my life sucked at that moment.  I quickly realized how negatively I view life all the time.

I read recently that one of the differences between rich people and poor people is that rich people see opportunity in everything while poor people see an obstacle to overcome.  While my goal isn’t to be rich, I realized that the principle in and of itself was important.  The filter that I look at my life through was having a major impact… and I am sure that others were able to see that as well.

Yesterday I opened up to my small group about my struggle with homosexuality.  It went well and the guys were very thankful for my transparency and honesty.  What I realized today was that I went into that situation viewing it as a trial that I had to endure.  I was worried, stressed, and nervous the whole night and it even affected me physically.  If I had viewed it as an incredible opportunity, perhaps my entire approach to the night would have been significantly different.

The truth of the matter is that by me being open to the guys , the potential for the work that God can do in our group increased significantly.  Not only could God use that group to impact my life in a new way, but I know that every guy in our group is going to be challenged in new ways.  I should have walked into that room last night realizing that I could be initiating a new chapter for all of us.

I am hoping to intentionally change my thinking as I face each day.  It is far too easy for me to fall into a rut and sit there and wallow in it.  If I can even make a little bit of progress and view every circumstance as an opportunity, I think my life would become significantly better.

As I have slowly reached out to people and continued to develop relationships, I have come to realize that sharing my story isn’t just a cry for help.  As I open up to somebody, it is an invitation for them to join my on this journey, to walk with me, and grow together through the experience.  I am learning that it is isn’t just me that benefits from them, but it is mutually beneficial.

The reality is that as they walk with me through my struggle, they will grow.  There is an entirely new paradigm that they will be able to look at life through.  They will be exposed to new ways of how they view people, how they view love, and how they view the church.  It is a side of the human struggle that they have never comprehended or experienced.  For me to be vulnerable to people and open up, it is more than me just screaming out in desperation.  I am learning that I am creating community by opening up.  For most Christians, unless they know someone who is gay, befriend them and hear their story, most people stay compeletely oblivious.  They remain stuck on the stigmas that they have and judge others off of stereotypes.  No wonder the church is viewed as full of hypocritical and hateful bigots.  If I am doing what I am suppose to be doing by pursuing Christ whole heartedly and continuing to mature in my relationship with Him, when someone joins me, they are exposed to a whole new side of life that they have never gotten to see.  It is a journey.

With my friend Will it has taken over four years.  It definitely has been hard for me at times.  Initially, I desperately needed him and I struggled to communicate with him what needs I had and how he could meet them.  I have always felt insecure about the fact that I needed him to help me in my struggle.  However, just tonight I finally recognized that he has grown a ton through this relationship. It hasn’t been just one way.  Will is seeing the church in a new way, he is seeing brotherly love in a new way, and he is seeing what it means to be Christ to someone else in a new way.

We are both realizing that it is not about what it is to be a gay Christian or what it means to be a friend to a gay Christian.  It is far bigger than that.  The bottom line is… what does it mean to love like Christ would?  Normally in our comfortable and safe environment in the church, we are never forced to do that.  However, through our friendship and this journey, we have been given an avenue to learn this together.

And by the way, tonight when he hugged me good bye, it was the longest hug yet.  It felt good.  He still does that “bro hug” where he pats me on the back, but we will work on it.